It’s 2017 and it’s a whole new era for the HTBG universe. Before we get into that though, did you see the Super Bowl? I haven’t seen someone go down in flames that bad since….well Hillary Clinton. I’m gonna win, I’m gonna win, I’M GONNA WIN….I lost?!!! wtf??!!!!!!! 2017 is teaching us that unlike in Marvel movies, the bad guys win. P.S. Fuck the Patriots.
OK now that I got that out of my system. How the hell YOU been? I know you’re like “uhh….really Mike? I haven’t heard from you in months and now you wanna just come back and act like everything is OK? Football? Really? Do I look like I care about The Super Bowl?”
It’s not like that baby. I care about you, I’ve just been busy working. So much has happened since we last spoke and I wanted to find the right time to tell you…
I met someone. His name is San Francisco and I’m in love. I know, it all happened so fast. I never expected this but it’s undeniable, I belong in him. Besides, you should see the SIZE of his bridge. It’s almost as big as New York’s. Arizona could NEVER satisfy me like that.
That’s right Gillermaniacs, it’s official. Since Christmas I’ve been living in the land of trigger warnings, safe spaces and vegan sushi. I’m in the belly of the beast, tackling sensitive hipster liberalism from the inside out. Surprisingly, it’s been fantastic. This place is nowhere near as bad as people say. San Francisco actually loves to laugh.
I know some of you are like…”that’s cool and all but I don’t live in the bay area. Guess I should tune out now.” Nonsense. Just cause I don’t live where you do doesn’t mean I won’t be coming to visit you soon. I just got back from doing a week of shows in Denver. I did the amazing Boulder Comedy Show and I also performed at a benefit for Planned Parenthood at The Denver Improv. Maybe you were there? If not I told all my fans on my newsletter. Did you miss out? Maybe you should sign up for the newsletter than hmmm?
So, I moved, I’m hitting the road…what other big news could I possibly have to share?
How about the fact that Cautionary Tales is finally available online! That’s right kids my hour stand up special shot in Phoenix Arizona is available for purchase.
I know a bunch of you wanted to see it but you don’t live in Arizona cause you make GOOD decisions. Whatever, guess you’re better than me. I mean, you COULDA bought a plane ticket, flown out to Phoenix and seen it live but hey I get it. You’re not willing to shell out $100’s of dollars to see my comedy. I understand. Oh and you’re dead to me.
Totally kidding. Why would you spend all that time surfing Priceline for a decent airline ticket when you could be rubbing one out on Chat Roulette? I would’ve made the same choice. Well now, you can do both.
If you want to experience an hour of in your face HTBGness all you have to do is pay $7 and get those wet wipes ready. Yup me in all my glory only costs $7. If you’re not willing to pay that…then you really are dead to me. Click here, buy your copy and put your phone on do not disturb cause you’re gonna be busy for awhile.
Keep checking my site/social media for all the updates on upcoming shows, events and nervous breakdowns. As always, be good to each other and remember to spay and neuter your neighborhood hipsters.